Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Sleepless in Seattle... I mean Boston... Yeah... Boston

Today's topic of discussion: Matt. He is the most annoying person when he sleeps. Matt doesn't just snore really loud like normal annoying sleeping people. There is an entire array of annoying sleeping sounds that he uses.

Here is what he does:
  1. Heavy Breathing - Before Matt goes to bed he breaths very heavily, like he just ran a marathon. I kow your thinking well Matt breaths loud and deeply all the time. Believe me it gets worse when he is about to go to bed. As soon as it stops you know he is asleep.
  2. Loud Snoring - After ten or so minutes Matt enters this phase. He does the typical snoring for about an hour with the occasional abrupt grunting. It isn't like a "Sawing a Log" snore; it is more like a "650 lb. Wildebeast" snore.
  3. Lip Smacking - I like to call this the "Drill out your temples" phase. It seems even in his dreams he is thinking about food. In his deep sleep he chews with his mouth and smacks his lips over and over and over again like he is eating something. It's not like the usual sound of Matt eating with his mouth open. Times that sound by one hundred. Hours go by and he does this non stop. What is it with stereotypical males and food?
  4. Whistling - His chewing done, he lets his jaw loose and his teeth close. Now keep in mind Matt is still breathing through his mouth. The small space between his teeth makes a nifty little whistle that drives the bravest men insane. This high pitched whistling will last maybe for an hour or so.
  5. The Changeup - Now I have been kept awake by all of these noises for sometime now this semester. Typically his normal sleep pattern goes something like phases one through four and when he is done he starts all over again. So you at least know what to expect. But sometimes Matt pulls this secret weapon out of his pocket and does ten minute intrevals of any of the four stages listed above. He just subconsciously picks one at random and changes constantly between them. At least when he does one for an hour you get used to it, but with this you get combinations like: Snore, Whistle, Smack, Whistle, Smack over the course of one hour.

I have tried not to complain, but I can't sleep and it is driving me insane. Even with Boston traffic screaming by our dorm room with the windows open, Matt stills prevails as more annoying. And he wonders why I'm so happy to leave at the end of the week.

Enough foolish venting!

(Falls asleep and dreams of flying into the sky with his Fishy; her left hand shimmering in the sun like fire.)


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